Bar Mitzvahs

Original article

When I started teaching Max, it was unclear if he’d even set foot in the synagogue on his bar mitzvah day. As his parents explain in this beautiful, moving video, Max loves “Blues Clues” and is motivated by French fries. Aliyah l’torah and d’var torah were not likely to be part of Max’s bar mitzvah–we did not know at first what a Max bar mitzvah might look like. Max is a young man with autism and limited expressive language.

After several sessions working with Max in his home—singing songs, clapping, reading stories and putting “Blues Clues” on such objects as challah, candle sticks and a kipah, we began taking Max to his synagogue, Town and Village Synagogue in Manhattan, to meet with Cantor Shayna Postman. The synagogue had never celebrated the bar mitzvah of a boy with autism, but they were open to working with Max and his family.

Shayna knew of Max’s love of music and began playing guitar for and with Max. Max enjoyed looking at Shayna’s mouth as she sang—and he had a special pick for strumming on her guitar. Together, they sang the Shema. And played drums for Halelu. Little by little, it seemed Max just might celebrate his bar mitzvah in the shul.

On the Sunday of Chol Ha Moed Sukkot, Max entered the synagogue—with his IPad and headphone. He didn’t agree to wear a tie or jacket, but he did wear nice khaki pants, a white shirt and a kipah. The cantor welcomed the guests, and his parents told Max it was time to put away the Ipad. His family presented Max with a tallis, which he wore proudly. He carried a small torah, shook a lulav and etrog (for his Sunday of Sukkot bar mitzvah), and stood at the torah offering one word answers to the cantor’s question about things he loved (“mommy, daddy, music, French fries, baby sitter Stacy…”). 

While Max did not say the Torah blessings, read from the Torah or deliver a d’var torah, Max truly became bar mitzvah that day. The cantor’s love for Max was obvious to the fifty guests in attendance. She bothered to get to know Max and appreciated Max’s abilities while also understanding his limitations. 

Cantor Postman delivered a beautiful mi sheberach prayer for Max. My hope and prayer is that more rabbis and cantors will continue to create caring communities where the Max’s of this world will have a Jewish home.

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The following article is from the Fall 2008 edition of Mitzvah Magazine, pp.26-28. Howard was honoured to have been Jake’s bar mitzvah tutor.

While your child is busy learning his or her torah portion, Haftorah, and a long list of prayers in preparation for a bar or bat mitzvah, you’re probably busy in your own right. After all, a simcha like this needs a celebration, and who better to plan it all than mom or dad?

You may be overwhelmed trying to choose a venue, menu, outfits, invitations, and a place for Uncle Harry to lay his head when he comes to town for the big day. You’ve probably spent a lot of time on the phone, online, and talking to other parents to get their advice and recommendations. To help you on your journey, we’ve interviewed two families who’ve recently planned their children’s parties so you can see how they did it. Hopefully, it will give you great ideas or inspiration for your own. Mazel Tov.

For her second son’s bar mitzvah, Lauren Beck decided to think outside the box. “Different kid, different party,” she says. Instead of the more traditional services in a synagogue and a party at a country club, as she had for her older son, Justin, she began researching outdoor event areas, fairgrounds, and other party spaces for her active younger son, Jake. Before long she stumbled upon Club Getaway, an adult/family camp on 300 acres in Kent, Conn., that has long hosted weddings but was just getting into the bar/bat mitzvah market. It was perfect for a weekend affair that included everything you’d find at a summer camp, including sleeping in bunks, zip lines, family-style meals, bonfires, boat rides, and ball games. All that was missing was the bug juice!

What were you looking for? My children are very different, and I felt strongly about doing something that really represented who Jake is. He’s extremely active; he runs track and plays soccer. As soon as he saw it, (Club Getaway) Jake was sold.

Why did you choose to do a whole weekend away? We have family from all over the country and Israel, and it’s hard to get together. I thought, why not gather everyone for an extended time and really celebrate for a whole weekend instead of just one day? It was a great idea and ended up costing a fraction of what it would have in the city.

How far in advance did you start planning? We saw Club Getaway about a year before Jake’s bar mitzvah. Once we booked the place I called Total Entertainment because I wanted to get the DJ, Ben. We used Jamal for Justin’s party, but different kid, different DJ.

How many people did you have? We had 170 people; we were shocked at the response, but people loved the idea of it, and everyone we invited wanted to come.

Tell us about the weekend. Friday was just fir family to arrive and hang out. We had a family-style dinner with everything from grilled fist to barbeque steak and chicken. Then, we had Texas hold’em tables and karaoke. Later, we had a bonfire and sing-along, and people stayed up until 3 in the morning. I made up song books to hand out with your favourite songs, and Jake played the drums and Justin played guitar. The rest of our guests arrived Saturday and stayed through Sunday.

“Make your child’s Bar Mitzvah all about him, and don’t worry about doing what everyone else has done.”

How was the food? Outstanding; not just the usual camp food of bug juice and hotdogs! For breakfast they had a huge spread with an omelet station, fruit, bagels, hot cereals, pastries… you name it. Lunch was a cookout with salads and the grill going, plus make-your-own sandwiches. For Saturday night dinner we had lots of appetizers including baby lamb chops, seared tuna, and Middle Eastern salads. My husband even brought up pastrami from Katz’s Delicatessen in New York for a carving station. Dinner was seared salmon in apple cider glaze or beef tenderloin, plus lots of other choices. Dessert was chocolate mousse in shot glasses, fresh strawberries, cake, and more.

What activities were offered during the weekend? We started serving early coffee and Danish for those who wanted to join a morning hike or run. During the day we had water skiing, swimming, trapeze, zip lines, mountain biking, softball games, an Olympics with an egg toss and tug-of-war,ping pong, wine tasting, and dance and cooking classes. There were activities all day long. Most were outdoors, but we had indoor options in case of rain.

Tell us about the bar mitzvah service? The plan was for Jake to lead a havdalah service at 6pm Saturday on a beautiful grassy knoll overlooking the lake and the mountains. But a minute and a half before he began, the skies opened up and everyone ran for the boathouse that we had set up just in case. It rained torrentially during the service, but it stopped five minutes before it was finished. We had cocktails in the boathouse and then went up to a tent for the party.

Did you need to bring your own rabbi? Yes. We used Howard Blas, a religious teacher who had been tutoring Jake for the past two years. He even helped us rent the Torah from the Lower East Side, and we created the siddurim with him, complete with all the prayers and songs we wanted for the service.

What did you do for entertainment? We had a band and four motivational dancers from Total Entertainment. The dancers spent the whole day, playing games with the kids and getting to know them, so by the evening they were really ready to dance. We also hired Paul E Doggs to breakdance. He was someone Jake had followed around at five bar mitzvahs in a row and always said he wanted Paul at his own bar mitzvah. A year and a half ago he announced that he wanted to learn to breakdance, so we hired Paul to come every Friday afternoon for a year and teach him. Jake did a performance at the party and it was amazing!

What was so unique about doing a party this way? Spending the whole weekend having fun together creates a very different atmosphere than just a four-hour party. Family and friends really bonded, and there was an incredible feeling of warmth and genuine joy. My 83-year-old father-in-law did the tug-of-war. Even though he fell face first into a muddy puddle,he still had fun. People of all ages and physical abilities were able to take part in everything. It was a three-day-long celebration.

How much was Jake involved in the planning? Jake was very involved with everything. He planned the kids’ menus and the “Camp Crazy Olympics,” as he called it. He also helped design his whole service and chose exactly which prayers he wanted to do, and he did the whole candle-lighting.

Did you do a lot of the work yourself? Most of it. I designed the invitations with Ram at Blacker & Kooby; I ordered the yarmulkes online from www.skullcaps.com. We took Jake to the Lower East Side to get a tallis and rent the Torah. I worked with Howard to create the siddur and ordered them online at www.singersiddur.com. I ordered a huge banner online that said “Camp Jake” to hang over the Club Getaway sign at the entrance. I did
references, but this time I didn’t go with recommendations or use someone everyone else was using.

But you brought in an NY DJ? My personal philosophy is that the music is the most important part of any party. There, I was going to spend money on a known quantity. The food can stink and you’ll forget about it the next day, but you want people up and dancing the whole night. I didn’t go out of the box for that.

Even though the whole weekend was a lot of fun, you were insistent on it all being about the bar mitzvah. Because Howard had been coming to our house every Sunday for the past two years, we spent a lot of time discussing what it means to be a bar mitzvah and on introspection and spirituality. And there was a lot of spirituality about the weekend, from the Friday night candles to the siddurim we created.

How did you stay organized? I had a folder for each portion of the event, and I made a computer spreadsheet to keep track of every check I wrote and bill I paid. I’m a very organized, anal person, and I plan events for a non-profit organization for a living.

What’s one tip you can pass on to other parents? Make your child’s bar mitzvah all about him, and don’t worry about doing what everyone else has done. Once you take a deep breath and leap, you’ll feel a lot better. Every decision I made I thought about Jake; what makes him happy and comfortable. There was no worrying about who we had to invite. This wasn’t about our social life. This was about who loves Jake and is in his life. You can’t go wrong if you do it that way. Also, I learned not to sweat the small stuff. A dozen things didn’t happen the way I wanted, but nobody really noticed. Everyone was just having a great time.

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Original Article Published on The Jerusalem Post

Every Jewish man remembers his bar mitzvah.

Some even remember parts of their haftarah. Rarely does this ‘feat’ get them anywhere in life. Not the case for New York’s NBC TV sports anchor and reporter, Bruce Beck.

Bruce grew up in Livingston, New Jersey, 25 miles southwest of Manhattan. Following a traditional, pretty much unremarkable, bar mitzvah in 1969, he attended Ithaca College in upstate New York and became a sports broadcaster. Beck has been the weekend sports anchor for News 4 New York for the past 11 years.

As part of Beck’s ‘dream job,’ he has covered Super Bowl XLII, the World Series, the NBA finals, the Stanley Cup Finals, The US Open Tennis Championship, the US Open Golf Championship, the NCAA Final Four and the Kentucky Derby.

Nothing, however, he maintains, compares to his’s coverage of the 2004 Olympics in Athens, Greece, when windsurfer Gal Friedman became the first

Israeli to ever win an Olympic gold medal.

“I was down at the windsurfing venue trying to get an interview,” reports Beck. “The way it works is that you wait in the mixed zone, a little control area behind fences, with all of the international reporters.”

Beck was waiting patiently when all reporters were told that Gal Friedman would not be coming through the mixed zone.

After the 1972 Munich massacre, Israeli athletes simply do not grant en-masse interviews.

But Beck was determined. He called Jerusalem and got a hold of Israel’s press liaison in an attempt to find out where in Athens the Israeli delegation was staying. He was then given the name of the local Israeli press secretary in Greece.

After a lot of schmoozing, and his relevation of the fact that he was Jewish, the pleasant, persistent reporter was given the name of the hotel.

When Beck arrived at the location, the prospects of meeting Friedman seemed slim. Again, all the reporters were waiting behind a fence.

“I just needed to get in to interview Friedman. What could I do? I couldn’t speak or read Hebrew very well. I wasn’t a very good Hebrew school student. But I have a very good memory. I am a reporter. And to this day, I remembered my entire haftarah by heart.

“So I started singing my haftarah, the special one for Machar Chodesh – the lovely story of David and Jonathan – for the Israeli press secretary. He was so moved that he said, ‘Bruce, come in, we want you to talk to Gal.’”

And Beck got the exclusive – he was the only reporter in the world granted access to Gal Friedman.

“Gal knew the whole story. He knew that I sang for the press secretary. He laughed. We talked about Munich, the fight for survival of Jews in their homeland, what it would be like to hear Hatikvah that night as he received his gold medal, etc.”

Beck looks back fondly on the story as a rare moment when a reporter’s religious background actually opened an important door, and when the reporter became part of his own story.

“Journalists from all around the world wanted to know why Gal Friedman was such a big story, and how I was picked to interview him.”

“Here I was in Athens, Greece – 4,500 miles from home, in the cradle of Western Civilization – never prouder to be an American – never prouder to be a Jew.”


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Two young men from Connecticut recently celebrated their b’nai mitzvah in a special way – dedicated to Righteous Gentiles who saved Jews during the Holocaust.

Joshua Genn of Greenwich, and Adam Ehrman-Shapiro of Litchfield, chose to participate in the Jewish Foundation for the Righteous’ (JFR) Bar/Bat Mitzvah Twinning Program.

When Joshua was preparing for his Oct. 9, 2006, bar mitzvah during Sukkot at Congregation Agudath Sholom in Stamford, he began investigating ways to make his bar mitzvah more meaningful.

Joshua, a seventh-grade student at the Westchester/Fairfield Hebrew Academy, read through descriptions of many Righteous Gentiles on the JFR Web site and found them to be fascinating.

“I liked Irena Sendler,” he said. “Even though she was not Jewish, she got people out of the Warsaw Ghetto and smuggled weapons to people.”

The entry for Sendler on the JFR Web site notes that she was a health worker who had access to the Warsaw Ghetto and led hundreds of Jewish children out of the ghetto to safe hiding places. Sendler, a member of the Polish underground, helped smuggle children (sometimes sedated) in potato sacks and coffins. She was eventually arrested, imprisoned and sentenced to death in October 1943 – but she was saved when members of the Polish underground bribed one of the Germans to stop the execution. She is currently in her 90s, lives in Warsaw, Poland, and reportedly doesn’t think of herself as a hero: “I want the Jewish community to know that there was a resistance and a spirit among the Jews in the ghetto.” 
Joshua reported that friends came up to him to say, “We think we’ll do a twinning bar mitzvah as well!”

Joshua’s parents, Ireland-born Alan and England-born Michelle, were pleased with Joshua’s decision to support JFR.

“Even ‘Schindler’s List’ didn’t highlight how many Righteous Gentiles saved Jews. It is a bit of a forgotten cause, and the organization [which supports people who, by definition, are in their 80s and 90s] has a limited time frame and needs immediate help,” said Alan Genn.

Saving One Life
One month after Joshua’s bar mitzvah, Adam Ehrman-Shapiro shared the story of another Righteous Gentile, Vladimir Chernovol, at his Nov. 11, 2006 bar mitzvah at the Chabad of Northwest Connecticut-LitchfieldJewish Community Center. Adam’s mother, Judith, began searching online for organizations so that Adam could “do some type of community service and give back to the community.”

“I was deeply touched by the work and mission of JFR. It is a very Jewish idea – to save one life is to save the whole world,” she said.

This phrase appears on the cover of the personalized invitations that many families participating in the twinning program, including the Ehrman-Shapiro family, choose for their children’s b’nai mitzvah.

The Ehrman-Shapiros have celebrated the b’nai mitzvah of two sons in two years, and both have participated in the JFR twinning program.

“These Righteous Gentiles risked life and limb to save our people in Europe with full knowledge that they were risking their lives and the lives of their families,” Judith said.

Chernovol was a Ukrainian teacher out for a walk in 1942 when he encountered Gregory Lantsman, a Jewish pilot in the Soviet Army whose plane was shot down over the Ukraine. Chernovol learned that Lantsman was Jewish and that the Germans had already killed his family. Chernovol quickly realized that Lantsman would surely be caught and killed. He immediately offered to take him in. Chernovol worked hard to obtain Ukrainian identity papers for Lantsman, but the Germans soon began forcibly taking young Ukrainian men for hard labor. Though Lantsman was selected, he managed to escape and return to Chernovol’s home, where he hid until liberation in May 1944. Chernovol is in his 80s and still lives in the Ukraine.

Adam was pleased with his bar mitzvah and with the twinning program.

Said Adam, an eighth-grader who is home-schooled, “I thought it was a nice thing to do, and my friends came up to me and told me they thought it was cool.”

Following a dinner party and an evening of sports, Adam was back at shul early the next morning to put on his tefillin.

“Adam participates in the Tefilin Bank, where you received a free set of tefillin if you agree to put them on daily,” said his mother.

Both young men and their families agree that participating in the Bar/Bat Mitzvah Program of the JFR enhanced and gave meaning to their b’nai mitzvah.

JFR was created in 1986 to provide financial assistance to non-Jews who risked their lives and often the lives of family members to save Jewish lives during the Holocaust. Today, the JFR supports more than 1,600 aged and needy rescuers in 28 countries, and they run a Holocaust teacher education program for middle and high school teachers and Holocaust center personnel.

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