Original Article on The OKClarity

Passover is known in our tradition as the holiday of freedom and liberation. Yet, the Pesach season is often muddled with anxiety and family stress. This time of year is especially difficult for individuals and families dealing with mental health and substance abuse issues, and in today’s world who isn’t dealing with something?

“The Jewish holidays and Pesach in particular can be festive and meaningful,” observes Rabbi Elie Weinstock of Congregation Kehilath Jeshurun on Manhattan’s Upper East Side. “But Pesach can be very stressful, especially for those with mental health issues. Whether it be the obsessive cleaning or the ingathering of family, the Pesach infrastructure tends to increase family stress and anxiety.”

Additionally, students are on break from their studies. This means a long period of time with little structure. Structure tends to be a positive thing for most people. The lack of structure during the Passover season tends to increase anxiety and create more space for individual & family stress to surface.

Veteran therapists working with the Orthodox Jewish community offer insights and suggestions for better managing this pre-Passover and Passover stress and anxiety. The first step is always understanding what Pesach represents and brings up for each of us as we prepare to be with nuclear and extend families.

Your expectations and their connection to Pesach anxiety and family stress


Michelle Halle, a licensed clinical social worker in Lakewood, New Jersey, acknowledges that Passover stress “has a lot to do with expectations and self-care.” She reports, “A lot of people don’t think about giving themselves what they need.” We tend to swamp ourselves with the needs, wants, and expectations of others and ignore the most vital person, ourselves.

She goes further to highlight how “Passover often serves as a measuring stick,” which only increases pre-Passover stress and anxiety. People often have expectations of where they will be by the time Pesach rolls around. They hoped they would be married, have a child, or find a dream job before the upcoming Passover. “When these things didn’t happen, they get down, blame themselves, and add to the anxiety and family stress that already exists.”

What can we do to reduce Passover anxiety and family stress?

1- Identify expectations, feelings, and practice sitting with discomfort

Halle encourages her clients to spend time working to understand what is contributing to Passover anxiety and family stress.

Acknowledge the sadness and disappointment. Sit with the thoughts and acknowledge them.

Halle notes that, “People aren’t in the habit of doing this. However, once they develop this important life skill, they can use it all year long. Ultimately, we need replace self-judgment with compassion and add meaning to our lives so we feel empowered instead of disappointed and discouraged.”

2- Avoid regressing along with family members

Halle encourages her clients to be aware of possible triggers and regressive pulls which are often at play when people get together with families of origin. She notes a common phenomenon, during the holidays people often regress to the family dynamics of an earlier stage in life. Staying mindful of this tendency ensures you respond verses react to sudden changes in family dynamics. This of course will diffuse much family stress and tension.

3- Take advantage of support groups

Rabbi Weinstock notes an additional area of family stress and anxiety. “The seder is a reminder of who is NOT around the table.”

He has noticed a preponderance of support groups for bereaved individuals before holidays – especially Rosh Hashanah, Chanukah, and Pesach. He encourages people to take advantage of these supports so they are reminded they are not alone in their pain and loss.

4- Watch out for obsessive tendencies

“Mitzvah observance has the potential to increase obsessive tendencies”, observes Rabbi Weinstock. This is not necessarily a bad thing if done in moderation. However, when it spirals out of control, it is very unhealthy and extra stressful.”

Since there are so many Mitzvos associated with Pesach, those who are prone to obsessive tendencies need to watch that they don’t spiral out of control. Keep your therapist and Rabbi close by!

5- Be proactive and communicative

Menachem Kiwak, LMHC and adjunct professor in the clinical mental health counselor program of Touro College, observes increased stress levels in nearly all of his private clients in the weeks leading up to Passover. “The time before Pesach is literally crazy. People expect so much from themselves!”

Kiwak suggests using communication in the pre-Passover time to effectively reduce family stress, tension, and anxiety. When spouses and families sit down together to jointly devise a plan which may include “where family members can help, when to have a cleaning lady, and where we can settle,” the holiday will be more relaxing and joyous. If you can’t do this with your spouse, do it with a trusted friend, relative, therapist, or mentor.

6- Avoid going to extremes in your Pesach preparation

Kiwak feels that many in his practice “tend to go overboard” with their Passover expectations and preparations. Remember the distinction between what is required by Halacha (Jewish law), and extra strictures individuals place on themselves.

Kiwak recommends that people remember to make a distinction between Pesach cleaning and spring cleaning. “Be realistic and honest with yourself about what you want to do, and what you need to do, and what you cando.”

Kiwak observes the wisdom of the rabbis who came up with a formula for nullifying chametz—as a way of assuring we don’t go to extremes. “If we have this formula, why not use it?” Halacha is giving us permission to not go overboard.

7- Remember the goal is Simchas Yom Tov, not Passover anxiety and family stress

Kiwak further reminds clients, “Simchas yom tov  – the joy of the holiday – is also a mitzvah!” He tells his clients, “Don’t be so hard on yourself–and don’t compare yourselves to others.”


Passover preparation and the seders can induce anxiety and family stress. However, careful preparation and honest conversations will maximize your chances for a joyous Yom Tov.

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I will be speaking and participating in the following event on 25 March.

Presentation will be for Establishing Trust and Getting What You Need Through The Intake Process.

To attend fill this form

FJC Yashar Training
The Yashar Training Days will take place on:
Monday, March 25 in New York
Thursday, April 4 in Chicago
Monday, April 15 in Los Angeles

If you have any questions, please contact marissa.becker@jewishcamp.org, or646-278-4512.

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Original Article on The LookStein Center

When the Tikvah Program at Camp Ramah in Glen Spey, New York began including campers with disabilities in 1970, it began attracting campers and families from a range of Jewish backgrounds—from unaffiliated to Hasidic. At the time, there were no other summer camp options for Jewish children and young adults with disabilities. More options exist nowadays to serve campers with a wide range of disabilities. And they continue to attract campers from families with diverse backgrounds. In a Jewish summer camp context, an Orthodox male rabbi and a female Reconstructionist rabbi sit together and talk—not about God, Kashrut or Shabbat, but they can speak—parent to parent—about autism and vocational training.

Opportunities exist beyond the camping world for Jews of diverse streams and backgrounds to meet, interact and share openly. Specialized Jewish day schools are uniquely positioned to offer even more than camps in terms of Jewish learning and services to parents and families—all year round. The Shefa School in New York City is a model of Jewish day school which offers a unique educational approach to learners from diverse family backgrounds.

The Shefa School reports that it is a Jewish community day school serving students in grades 1-8 who benefit from a specialized educational environment in order to develop their strengths while addressing their learning challenges. All students at Shefa have language-based learning disabilities and have not yet reached their potential levels of success in traditional classroom settings. Many students have started out at other Jewish day schools which may be more in line with the family’s religious outlook. They have come to Shefa in search of a school that understands their child’s learning needs, and often to help restore their self-esteem.

Shefa is proud to call itself “a pluralistic community school serving families across the range of Jewish involvement and observance.” The name “Shefa” which means “abundance” was chosen because “we believe that our students possess an abundance of unique gifts, talents, skills, and insights. Our job is to nourish them emotionally, intellectually, and spiritually.”

Founder and head of the 143 student school, Ilana Ruskay-Kidd stresses the need to always be “open and reflective” and notes that the school is “always a work in progress.” She tries hard to create an environment where everyone feels they can come and talk about anything. On the school’s website, under FAQ’s the question of “What is the Jewish orientation of the school?” is addressed as follows: “The Shefa School is a pluralistic community school, seeking to serve families across the Jewish spectrum. Our goal is to make Shefa a welcoming place that integrates rich Jewish values, community, culture, traditions, and holidays — regardless of each family’s particular practice or affiliation. We serve only kosher food and observe all holidays in accordance with the Jewish calendar. Shefa nurtures our students’ commitment to Jewish values and teaches the skills to enable them to participate fully in Jewish life.”

Schools like Shefa require a dedication, self-reflection, and diplomacy. Despite a great deal of forethought, and the best of efforts to anticipate situations which might arise, issues small and seemingly large arise from time to time. These issues are actually opportunities in disguise as they force community members, teachers and administrators to be honest and communicative, and to consider what is and isn’t negotiable. One time, a mother from a very traditional background asked Ruskay-Kidd, “If we are uncomfortable with the Jewish Studies, can we pull our daughter out?” Ruskay-Kidd offered a calculated, thoughtful reply. Learning Jewish Studies together was non-negotiable, but she encouraged the mother to come talk to her about what was making her uncomfortable.

One family asked if Shefa offers a Sephardic minyan. While the school at first didn’t want to “keep separating” the students, they realized the family had a valid point. “The school is probably one third Sephardic,” notes Ruskay-Kidd, “and most of our tunes were Ashkenazic.” The school brought in a person to teach the whole school about Sephardic liturgy and to introduce Sephardic tunes. “Every synagogue has slightly different melodies… Our goal is to be flexible.” The school itself has evolved and now offers a range of tefillah options including mehitza, no mehitza, learners and meditation/exploratory prayer options.

Ruskay-Kidd is pleased as she observes, “We live happily and peacefully together. In a given week, we don’t usually see issues. In a year, we might.” Many likely-to-arise situations, though not all, are addressed in advance: Kashrut (strictly kosher, nationally accepted supervisions, but not Halav Yisrael), kipot; (“we spent so much time on this one—they are strongly encouraged; default is to put it on; one or two have philosophical complaints; and kipot sometimes fall off of heads!” Ruskay-Kidd reports that all wear kipot for Limudei Kodesh and estimates that 50% wear kipot all day long); dress (“kids dress how their community dresses;” requirement is dark bottoms—skirt or pants, no tank tops).

Yet, “situations” do come up—sometimes “caused” quite innocently by families and sometimes even by the school. On one occasion, a non-Sabbath observant family (likely quite innocently) scheduled a bar mitzvah reception which started before Shabbat was over. On another occasion, the school inadvertently almost caused an uncomfortable situation for some students around a seemingly fabulous-for-all community service opportunity. Students had the chance to volunteer at a very established program four blocks from the school which serves 1000 meals a day. But it took place in a church—which was problematic for some families. The school sensitively began to offer this as one of several community service options.

Other issues which may arise in a school like Shefa: teaching Torah (“How we teach the meaning of Vayomer Hashem”), science (“Are dinosaurs real?”) and health education (“Can you opt out?” “Why do boys have to learn about girls’ bodies?”).

Each situation which arises offers opportunities for reflection, problem solving and honest communication. The head of school can’t assume everyone is familiar with “basic” words like shalakh manos (food gifts sent on Purim); at the same time, over-translating may make some more traditional families question just “how Jewish” the school is!

Sometimes the students themselves are the best problem solvers. One traditional student was feeling uncomfortable with a morning greeting ritual which involved students either handshaking or fist bumping the student next to him. He was worried that he may not always be next to a boy and was uncomfortable with the possibility of having this exchange with a girl. While his parents didn’t find this to be problematic halachically, the boy told his parents one evening that it was a “big problem” for him. His parents spoke with him about perhaps explaining his “family tradition” with the class” and waving to a girl who might be sitting next to him. Within seconds, he was already planning (with minimal coaching!) what he was going to tell his classmates. Problem solved!

Ruskay-Kidd reflects on each of these situations and playfully recalls the well-known saying about pluralism. “That is when all of us are comfortable most of the time—but none of us are comfortable all of the time.” Shefa families are clearly happy, and they are emissaries for the school in their respective, diverse communities across the New York tristate area. “It is so inspiring and moving to watch what it means to love your child. The distance they travel…all (of what seems at first to be) barriers…they all disappear!”

Settings like Camp Ramah and the Shefa School demonstrate that it is indeed possible to foster relationships between Jews of diverse backgrounds. Early childhood program and pluralistic day schools are similarly making strides to bring together all kinds of learners and families. Hillel and Limmud and various cross-denominational rabbinic encounter programs AJWS (American Jewish World Service), AIPAC and the Shalom Hartman Institute’s Rabbinic Leadership Initiative show what can be accomplished with diverse groups of adults.

Jewish adults coming together goes back to the 600,000 plus who assembled at Mount Sinai to receive the Torah and continued with Jews coming together around such large issues as the plight of Soviet Jewry (250,000 demonstrated on the National Mall in Washington, DC on Sunday, December 6, 1987) and recently in solidarity with the people of Pittsburgh.

Let us continue to strive to develop models of assembling, learning, communicating and sharing in even more Jewish settings.

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[WORDS] Bookstore
179 Maplewood Ave, Maplewood, NJ 07040
(a second smaller location is now open in LifeTown village, the Friendship Circle program in Livingston, NJ)
(973) 763-9500

http://wordsbookstore.com/

Name of contact/founder: Jonah Zimiles

“Bookstore in New Jersey suburb of Maplewood where people with autism receive training and work. Owner is proud that many use this training and move on to other jobs. Store is a “safe space” for people with autism and their families. The well-stocked bookstore has a disabilities/special needs section with books and resources. Store features regular author talks as well.”

My Visit/The Story of [Words]:

I originally learned of [Words] and its founder/owner, Jonah Zimiles, at the HIlibrand Autism Conference in NYC a few years ago. Jonah was kind enough to invite me to visit , take a tour, and learn about the book store.
Jonah had been a lawyer and law clerk and eventually worked in the Jewish community as head of planned giving for Council of Jewish Federations. He then began cutting back his work hours to spend more time with his son with autism. He was considering various “more manageable” job opportunities and decided to get an MBA in social enterprise. He considered starting a consulting firm or a fund. One idea was to consult to small businesses in exchange for getting them to hire people with disabilities. His wife, Ellen wanted to open a vocational institute when their son with autism was 12. She then saw a sign for a bookstore which was closing. They decided to purchase the book store, run the business and do the training.

The tour of the book store with Jonah included such well stocked sections as adult and children’s books, fiction, non-fiction, travel, test preparation, disabilities and more. The store also sells such items as book lights, mugs, socks, greeting cards and more. The store features advertisements for upcoming author talk and other events which take place on a regular basis in the same downstairs space where many of the employees with disabilities work.

Jonah’s original plan when they started the store in 2008 was for a 6-month apprenticeship which “gave a heksher” to the training participants receive. They would then get hired to work in another industry or store (in a Barnes and Noble, for example). Jonah has observed that many job sites focus on the highest functioning people with autism, whereas he focuses on “middle to bottom” and people who are nonverbal. He notes that most skills learned in the bookstore are applicable outside of a bookstore environment.

To date, more than 100 people with disabilities have received training and worked in the bookstore, doing such jobs as recycling, breaking down boxes, making deliveries, driving to the town dump (some participants have driving licenses), cleaning, and shelving books. Some workers do direct work with customers, though most do the types of behind the scenes jobs mentioned above. Jonah commented on just how difficult it is for even a person who is neuroypical to be a salesperson as they need to know books and be hyper-social with a sales personality. As we discussed training in both hard (job) skills and soft (interpersonal, job site) skills, Jonah was emphatic in noting, “If they can do the task, we don’t care what the behaviors are.” Jonah would prefer they get jobs done which are valued by society (i.e laundry), “even if they are making noises while working!” Jonah pays his employees (though he is not permitted to pay the trainees who come through the school district). He feels the concern often raised that people with disabilities jeopardize their Social Security benefits by working is “overblown” since most can’t and don’t work that many hours.

From the website:

Our mission & vision: [words]‘ mission is to serve Maplewood and surrounding communities by offering an engaging and welcoming atmosphere for people and families of all stripes to pursue their literary interests. In particular, we are dedicated to the families in our community that have a member with a developmental disability. We strive to help Maplewood become a model community of inclusion through our treatment of disabled customers and employees, especially those with autism.

Lessons Learned/Observations:

  • We didn’t know how to do retail when we started off. We were not vocational training experts when we started—these were two big challenges
  • The special needs part is the easiest part of the job; running a business is extremely difficult (“I sell over a million dollars of books in the store and still struggle to break even”)
  • Autism Speaks and Extraordinary Ventures identified 10-15 businesses like Words, Rising Tide Car Wash, etc. approximately five years ago and had a conference—informs me there WAS a similar initiative to what I am doing (he also suggests that this has not continued and feels there is a need for bringing various stakeholders together.
  • Most of the jobs available to people with autism deal with a small segment the autism population (he calls them “The Ivy Leagues.” He reports, “We are interested in the much tougher “middle to bottom” part of the spectrum. I am interested in people with limited language. A disproportionate number of programs focus on the higher functioning group.”
  • Google and other companies hiring people with disabilities is wonderful BUT it gives a very distorted view of autism and disabilities (most do not function at this level) More people need to address the problem.
  • Families of children with disabilities, even those “of means” often can’t make big donations of money to organizations since they will have life-long financial needs related to their children (as they age).
  • The number of details I need to know about stuff can be overwhelming. I need to review 20,000 books per year and this is just front list adult buying (others do kids and replenishment). These take time and effort. It is a LOT of work.
  • There are always new and unexpected costs. For example, there is a new charge for green in the town; it is constant (the charge), but it is the reality. Also, there is competition (others in the same business)Websites are ridiculously hard (and costly)—they require constant upkeep
  • If they can do the task, we don’t care what the behaviors are” (teach them to get jobs done which are valued by society. For example, I’d prefer they “get the laundry done!”—even if they are making noises while working!
  • Wife Ellen reports in a CBS 880 radio interview: “People with autism are adults longer than they are children”—this is why we need job sites and jobs!
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